Heaviness!
My chest feels like there are 1000 pounds pressing down on me. I keep trying to take a deep breath and I can’t. There is something troubling my heart and its my soul and spirit fighting against my own flesh. This is such a tough battle and it really seems like there are 2 of me just fighting it out. I do not know who is winning, but I know the feeling. I pray that my soul and spirit are winning and that the Holy Spirit is taking control. How do I give up control, and how do I comprehend that I never had any in the first place. I look at life and try to contain it so that I will not get hurt. I have done that for so long that I have missed out on a lot of feelings, both good and bad, that we as humans are supposed to experience. I love that I give good advice and that people know I care about them. Why isn’t that enough to change my heart and my fight. Why am I so selfish as to believe I deserve something in return. Is it because I have been conditioned this way for over 20 years? I do not know the answer and you better believe I have every excuse in the book. However, the one thing I keep on choosing not to see, is the truth. This heaviness is here because I allow it to be. This heaviness is here because I choose to make this a battle. This heaviness is here only because of me. I cannot continue this struggle and for me I cannot go back. I would not survive the life I lived before “Following” Christ. It is to dark and dreary and lonely of a place. Therefore, My friends, my only choice is to not worry about how things feel, rather I need to trust how my faith in Christ leads. I hope to take you on this journey with me as a heart is softened and a child of God, the Beloved, is embraced by his Eternal Father and All Loving Friend, Jesus Christ! SELAH!
