God is such an amazing and awe inspiring God.  His majesty and mercy covers us in all we do.  He simply looks upon us with love and desires for us to live this life abundantly.  This was my first mission trip and it was something a long time coming.  I was told a while ago that once I actually experienced Jesus outside of this country it would change me.  This was so true and it is something that has changed how I think.  I have surrendered my heart and sinful nature to Christ, but I am also going to do something that I have  NEVER done in my entire christian life and trust what God tells me.  I am tired of always thinking I know what He may want me to do or how He can use me wherever I am.  This is not truth, and to be honest it has always been an excuse for me to say ” well God will use me wherever I am at.”  This trip God used to break my heart and to break it in a way where I would not only feel His love for me but that I would know His call on my life is to serve.  This is not a mission “high” if you will, this is a peace that I am feeling and a yearning to draw near to Him, more than I ever have before.  When I think of all the work I have put in to keep God at bay it makes absolutely no sense.  I have missed out on years of servitude and nothing felt better than being able to cry in front of people and helping to carry their burdens.  It was also life changing to see how people live in this world.  I have always believed I dedicated my life to being a coach and teaching and putting the kids I work with first.  When I stopped to look at my life, everything I have done has only been for me, and God is nothing like that.  Even with this He has always been there for me and has always provided.  Jehovah Jirah is the Hebrew for God provides and yet we (I) have always chosen my way.  He has placed in me a servants heart and the devil has done all in his power to keep me right where I am at, going in circles.  I want a linear life a life that is on a straight path.  I want a life with purpose and not one that has me wondering when will I mess up again or when will life throw another curve ball at me.  I am always concerned for future things and comforts and asking God to come into the life I have created.  Not once I have put my life into the one that God has created.  Its like God is here for the program and is just a part of whichever part I see fit.  This is a ridiculous way to live your life and I have to understand that now.  My heart says go and serve me and love on my Beloved, love on those who do not receive love and carry the burdens for those it is to heavy for  and cry for those who cannot shed tears.  I know I have prayed to be this kind of priest of the Most high, but again always on my terms and Christ has broken my heart and said I am the truth the way and the light, Follow me.  I no longer want to fall under the complaints of God or Quejas DE Dios because I want to say you are my king and I serve you, You are my friend and I love you, You are my redeemer and you heal me.  My heart is calling for a change and that change is whatever Christ calls for me to do. I pray forgiveness for the years I have missed the mark trying to control it myself.  Papa, I am ready, I bow before you as my King and Savior and say MY LIFE IS YOURS!!  AMEN AND AMEN