I hate that I can feel one way and not do anything about it sometimes.  I am horrible when it comes to having patience and letting God work.  I can barely sit, unless watching television, and rest.  I look at my past and when I see the path I have trailed there is a lot to be proud of.  It is absolutely crazy that I never stop to thank God and remember all those good things.  Its like I’m looking at a 10 karat diamond and all I see is the piece of coal it came from.  I need to live in the glory of the Lord, right?  I should be thankful and I am, but it’s where my mind and heart go that scares me after the fact.  My life and the way I live it and the beliefs I have do not allow me to see past my failures.
Now I am a person who can not leave well enough alone.  I will mess with cuts over and over again even if its painful, just because it bothers me.  That seems to be the way I live spiritually as well.  I do not allow my spiritual wounds to heal to scars, I keep picking away at them and they keep bleeding and staying fresh.  This results in me having no self control over a lot of areas in my life.  Areas that are significant to health, relationships, work and my walk with Christ.  I never stopped to smell the flowers when it came to control.  I am a control freak and need to know every aspect of whatever is going on.  Obviously because I can “control” it.  That is the biggest joke and lie the I have lived as truth for most of my life.  You see since I believe in my heart that I have had these areas in “CONTROL”, nothing of what I would do wrong would sink in.  It’s Never Bad Enough!  I have been searching the last 2 weeks to find out what was at the root of all my symptoms I have medicated and numbed myself to over the years.  It all makes sense because, in all my areas of no self control, they are all areas I believe I have control and it’s me making those decisions.  I eat more than I am supposed too, I drink soda more than I am supposed too, I speak my mind more than I am supposed to, I struggle more than I am supposed.  All of this is because I can control over doing these things so much so that it has molded my nature of living.  This is so scary because I need to live in a world where God is more than enough and not where Life is never bad enough to change how I am living.

One Love, One King, All Christ