For every moment

Today is a day of praise! Feeling, seeing and holding onto the beauty of Christ.  I realize this life is not about living day by day but it is about enjoying every moment.  Since finally believing that everything that was done in darkness has been paid in full and covered by the blood of Christ Jesus. I have been able to go back and pull moments that I thought I had lost. There were smiles, words of encouragement, and hugs I had forgotten, but God brought them back to me.  I have always held onto the bad or the hurt and that only led me to more pain.  I felt as my heart has hardened over these past few years or more.  As I felt it become callused I didn’t choose to stop it, but I fed into it. Now as my emotions and my mind are falling back in line and in love with Jesus, those layers of stone are being smashed one at a time.

Jesus has always had me in his hands since that moment, that summer, sitting and crying, as he let me know he loved me and I accepted him into my heart over 20 years ago.  I have recently felt like he was gone or too far away because of choices I made, however the truth was he was always in the middle of everything I had going on, good and bad.  OH, I ONCE WAS BLIND, BUT NOW I SEE.  I see life for every moment and believe as I fall in line with God’s plan for my life, the desires of my heart and soul will come true because he says so.  You see his plan for me has never changed I just took detours of my own doing.  I’m tired and finally want freedom in Christ as much as I want to take my next breath.  I know and trust in His plan and my calling, my future wife(which I have a letter for), my future children and all he will ask of me will be done.  For every moment I get to see and enjoy, he will erase every moment that has made me blind and in pain.  I ONCE CHOSE TO BE BLIND, BUT NOW I CHOOSE TO SEE by his grace which is our gift! Amen

One Love, One King, All Christ!

Say No to turning back!

For over 30 years my brain, flesh and soul have battled.  My mindset has always been a selfish one.  I have in all instances of my life expected instant gratification.  If I can’t get this now, well I know where I can get something close enough.  I know Jesus never stops pursuing and knowing he has been called the “Hound of Heaven”, He has come upon my scent again and is back in the driver seat.  My biggest obstacle is myself and my brain.  My thoughts are like wild stallions, when one bucks the entire herd will stampede and before I know it I needed to medicate it or numb it in my past.

Now, I feel God’s peace and I have surrendered to him.  I know the shackles I have been in over these many years are finally broken.  I can say, without a doubt, for the first time in my life I have stepped out of the dungeon completely.  I have always taken steps to walk out of that heaviness but because I was so familiar with what the dark had to offer, I always left a foot in the door. This was so that I could run back if things changed to quickly.  This time when I stepped all the way out and completely into God’s arms, the dungeon collapsed more like exploded.  It is gone but the pieces are still there and I must stay alert to the ease and temptation to run back and rebuild it on my own.  I know my new thoughts and feelings are good and healthy, but I DO NOT like the way this feels.  God also goes by the name of “Emmanuel” which means “God is with us”, however this doesn’t mean we can use him like a magic wand and hope all will be well and we will be healed immediately.  Most of my life I have been spoiled and expected and received instant gratification.  Now on one side, my personality has drawn people to like me and well take care of me, that hasn’t been so bad, LOL!  On the other side, it has led to much destruction and torment in my life.

In the failure to conquer the city of Ai, Joshua found it was Achan’s stolen pleasures that caused the loss. Once that was dealt with( the killing of all of Achan’s family and kinfolk) Ai was conquered.  Jesus is letting me know through all that is happening in my life now, it’s about delaying gratification and trusting and waiting on His time, not mine!  I am learning when I say now, Jesus says not yet my son and when I say later, Jesus says nope, Now my son!

My Prayer:

Papa,

Thank you and mostly lay your healing and merciful hands upon me in the renewing of my mind.  Help me to give you each of my thoughts so that you may examine them.  Papa, please strengthen the good ones and cut off and silence the impure ones.  I love you and pray that I may fall back in love with my first love which is you.

Love your Beloved,
Ant

One Love, One King, All Christ!

As God Moves!

By now I should know not to be surprised by what God does in my life.  I can look back at the countless times He has intervened in my circumstances.  When I decide to follow his lead and I draw near to him, He ROCKS me.  The first time I started saying yes to every opportunity God offered happened close to 7 years ago.  I came back from a mission trip to Nicaragua with a bunch of teens, THE TRIP WAS AWESOME!  This trip brought about my healing process. I was dealing with the loss of my mom and battling my emotions with God. Returning to the USA I told Jesus I would say yes to any opportunity he presented. I should have known better, but seriously I came back and started to say yes and it was wild.  I was asked to be the main speaker for a kids camp for that upcoming summer.  I said yes!  Here I was preparing for camp and God says wait, before you start speaking to kids about me I want you to do something you said you would never be able to do and I ended up speaking for the first time about Jesus, to a crowd of 27 women at Agape’s Women’s Ministry the Sunday before I started camp.  This was me relying upon the Holy Spirit completely because these women were broken, hurt and most court ordered to be there.  There was no way a smile and a few jokes would get me through this.  When I tell you that our Lord showed up and filled the room and the Holy Spirit took a hold of my words, God Moved!

Now, fast forward to this year and the past few weeks.  Life has been crazy, dark and somewhat chaotic and I haven’t been going to church for the past couple years, well very rarely.  I have been battling my demons, the church, the job and trying to do it all on my own and getting pummeled.  Finally, with the introduction of a new face I found myself smiling more. I realized God knows how to make us smile when we need it the most.  Then  about two weeks ago I attended a worship night at my church.  It was amazing and I ended up speaking to my friend, who is also my Pastor. That night while he was hugging me I heard God say, ” this is your home!”  Within that time and this past month and a half, I have done a beautiful little baby funeral which no words can describe the heaviness, was offered to do a wedding, and just this past Sunday was asked to be a camp speaker again at Kids Camp.  When God says come as you are, he means it and when he needs you he will call on you.  He will call you to do things you said you would never do and he will humble you and let you know that He Is God!  I feel him moving and I am taking every thought captive. This allows the Holy Spirit to rest on me to give me the peace in knowing that my life is not my own! It is truly not about me, because Jesus is all about me, therefore I can pour all of me into those that need me and trust that he will keep my cup overflowing! Amen

One Love, One King, All Christ!