The more I search and dig into my life I see God everywhere.  Jesus is not clean, he comes into our dirt to lift us out.  He will do whatever it takes to free us and clean us.  He loves us, protects us and calls us His Beloved.  I am His Beloved, His one and only.  As I was reading chapter 7 of Romans and hear of Paul’s struggle to do the good he wants to do but cannot do and the bad he doesn’t want to do, he does.  This resonates through out my flesh and sinful nature.  However, no matter how many times I have been cleaned, I would always jump back into the dirt because it was familiar and I knew it well.  I could never “feel” right when God loves on me, I feel awkward and unworthy of it.  I have made everything in life about me.  I was spoiled terribly and that belief is a part of my core belief of myself.  The problem is that belief is enmeshed with a belief that I am not worth God’s love.  Talk about being in a quick sand pool of dirt while trying to hold a boulder over my head!  While all of this is going on in me, Jesus is whispering “Anthony, my Beloved, you are clean.”  I do not know how to switch roles or seats if you will.  I Do Not want to drive anymore!  I want him to be in control of every moment, I will give him my complete surrender.  Much like a child who wants to learn to ride a bike, he does not say “Daddy watch me and make sure I don’t fall down!” No he comes and he says ” Daddy teach me how and please do not let me get hurt!”  I am slowly starting to understand surrender. I do not like it and I have to be ok with that because as I heard so eloquently spoken, My best thinking on my best day has got me here!

I have made a choice to say I am done. I am not pursuing anything other than GOD.  I want him to become my addiction.  I want every part of me to be covered completely by him for the rest of my life.  There is a rap song that speaks of King Midas and that everything he touched turned to gold, well I am the opposite of this in my life when “I” choose to make decisions or follow my thoughts and feelings.  Everything I touch turns to crap when done without Christ.  There is always a hidden agenda, not even always bad thoughts, but hidden.  I’m tired of thinking I am not worth God’s Love when He says I am.  I AM NOT HOPELESS, I AM HIS HOPEFUL, HIS BELOVED.  The more I struggle the more I realize the simple but painful truth “I” can do nothing good without him.  When we are told to take up our cross, it is to remember we do not have to be NAILED TO IT, but we must feel the pressure and heaviness of His love.  Carrying our cross can bring us to our knees, IN LOVE.

Love is something I want to know intimately and only with God.  I want my love for him to be all I know and as he pours his love in return, the overflow will touch those around me.  I give up my search of what church says is normal, married with kids.  I NEED and want God to be more than enough, even if that means he chooses for me to stay single.  I need to be ok with that!  I need to come to the truth that this would not be a punishment because of my sin rather He wants me all to himself.  That should excite me and not burden me.  I pray to give it all up and surrender to my Daddy, My Papa, My ABBA, Jesus Christ! Amen

One Love, One King, All Christ!