Earlier this week when I was spending time with a mentor of mine, he said he has lived by the same life mantra for over 30 years. He simply says to himself you can’t have both. You can’t have your way and God’s way. It has been the foundation of my soul that I could find a way to do what I want and just bring God a long for the ride. I thought about his explanation and the conviction and passion he had for this saying. Also, how much he lived by it and made a practice of using it in his everyday life. I decided to use this for myself. You can’t have both, Anthony! your way and God’s way. It doesn’t work like that, you must choose one. I stop and meditate on those words and realize the only reason, true reason, I am in this battle is because I just won’t let go. I keep choosing what I want, my way, even though the brightness of God’s promises is shining all over me. Why am I tormented by the truth that I am deceiver and of no good. Why am I tormented by God’s love for me instead of just letting him hold me! God is full of Goodness and the truth is he loves me and I should bask in that glory of His love, yet I choose to hide in the darkness. I am so quick to tell people the right thing to do and how they should surrender, but as for me I’m good! (BIG LIE) This morning started off well and I was happy but I believe my feelings of conviction have finally caught up with me. I have been in this blissful place with God and with my sin. I am living this way as if it is normal and honestly for the last 20 years it has been. This is the furthest from the truth and I am not truly seeking and choosing God, but yet want his blessings because I am following a routine! not happening!!
Now, I am closer to believing then I have ever been in my life and walk with Christ. This conviction this morning is heavy because the Holy Spirit has truly called out the poser I have been for so many years. Always finding a way to create secrets to provide me with my needs and wants when I want them. I have believed this to be OK for all of this time, seriously, this is my struggle! That was the other part of the lie I held onto. My brokenness should be more than enough to have me run and stay put in Jesus but just because I want to get my way I create these deceptions. The more I read, whether books or the bible, the more I see men and women who give up on their posing and stand in the light of Christ. They show all of their flaws and trust by faith that Jesus has them under His wings. They did not keep secrets or tell half-truths(which are lies) or catch that sin door right before it closes and no one is looking. I turned to Christ completely for a quick minute and as soon as I became complacent I went right back to posing. I was always finding a way to cover myself. You can’t have both Anthony! Your way and God’s way, choose one! This conviction was felt hard today because you can’t have joy in Christ if you really ain’t bout Christ! There are several statements that the Holy Spirit is rising to the top of my heart. The first is a reminder that if there is anything unholy in me then there can truly be NOTHING Holy in me. Also, I cannot continue to praise God while the other side of my mouth tries to deceive Him. I have been a deceiver from a very young age, it was one of my ways of surviving and we think we are so good at it that we can actually deceive God! WOW! He knows the pureness of our hearts! My heart is broken and black, there truly is nothing holy in me because my God is not my center, I have an idol(god) that has influenced my life for over 29 years.
The truth is my deception has only hurt me and some of those close to me. Honestly, when you deceive people who are not a significant part of your life, does that even matter, because you don’t matter to them. Today I have realized how subtle the slime of this Earth has entangled my being. I haven’t felt conviction for a very long time, mostly because my heart was hardened, and then because God knew I wasn’t ready to handle it. He knows how my emotions flow and take over and I run from that very quickly. I sit here feeling this heaviness from God and can’t believe I have the gall to act pious and call out those who are just as broken as I am. I am here taking for granted the GIFT of my salvation as if it is something I have done for many years. IT IS A GIFT! As I reflect back I sit in humbleness because God still loves me even though I have played this back and forth game with my faith. I wear tattoo’s and write poems and devotionals. I have preached and reached out to those in need and prayed deeply for people. All of this for nothing because the whole time I have been deceiving myself. Praising God in the daylight and feeding the monster at night. Even as I write this now the devil infiltrates into my thoughts and life and pressing on my falseness, my mask. I need to reorganize my life when I repent and begin to serve more. I will pray HUGE prayers and just forget about my selfish wants. You can’t have both, Anthony! Your way and God’s way! Choose One! It has been about 22 years and God has still done a lot of good in light of my brokenness. Honestly, God has not been my number 1. A choice of darkness has reigned supreme in my life and unless I claim this weakness to the world, I would never be exposed and covered by His healing light. My whole life has been lived in secrecy. I have always had a side that no one knew about and that was all mine. This was my idol and it was the foundation of my altar, not Christ. He is a part of my altar but not the foundation and that has made me weak and to chase after a weak god instead of pursuing an Omnipotent God!
No matter how much I write about him if I do not confess that my life has been full of deceit and secrets He can not become my First Love! There is beauty today in this confession of idolatry and this is I can choose Jesus and God’s promises for real. I need to give up my half-truths and my keen ability to deceive because it does nothing but deceive me away from the truth of God’s love for me. It creates isolation and depression and then I feel exactly as the lies that are whispered into my thoughts. I DO NOT WANT MY WAY ANYMORE! I want God’s way only and I need to be reminded of that daily. you can’t have both, Anthony! Your way and God’s way, Choose one! When we expose our brokenness to others and to Jesus it is our weakness that we expose and I will have faith that God will forgive me for the poser I have been and exemplify the Son he claims me to be in His Name! I must trust to tell who I really am in the mist of recovery, I need to remember There is only Good in Jesus and His light shines brightly on our flaws. They will stay flaws when we continually choose our way over God’s way. In the bible, it says to not let your heart be troubled, but the truth is that can only happen if I truly give my heart and soul, not just words!
YOU CAN’T HAVE BOTH, ANTHONY!
YOU CANNOT HAVE YOUR WAY AND GOD’S WAY! CHOOSE ONE! AMEN!
One Love, One king, All Christ
