I am going to try something new in my life, every aspect of it.  This is concept that has been thrown around in my life for years but I have never truly pursued it.  Praying and serving others with no expectation of anything in return.  I am speaking of extreme changes, becoming a soul investor instead of a selfish (all about me) consumer.  I will not pray for myself for the next 60 days, I will leave my life and desires in God’s hands and those that pray for me.  I know for me that anything that I have done in “self” always the results were negative.  The foundation of my self first type thinking started from young since I was the baby of the family and yes spoiled.  This has played a huge role in my thought and emotion life.  As I reflect on my life I realize that as I have been molded it has been me who has been doing the molding.  It would be like telling Michael Angelo to step aside so I could finish the Sistine Chapel!  How much more of an artist is God, yet for the last 20 years I (self) has known what is best.  (Just for the record I am color blind and at best draw stick figures)   I was asked by a friend the other day “Do you think someone has to hit rock bottom before they can truly follow Christ?”  I said I believe everyone needs to hit a spiritual rock bottom, however for those who are stubborn and stone-hearted a physical, emotional and/or monetary rock bottom needs to happen.  When we learn that God is slow to anger, we need to remember He can get angry.

Now, let me share with you a quick testimony of this past week and how God on last Sunday placed a heavy burden of conviction on my heart.  The truth told was I have always been about myself.  There has been this innate draw to isolation because it would feed my appetite for unworthiness.  I could numb myself, act out and then grovel in the guilt and shame to then repeat it again.  I was living like this until last Saturday.  Now God has been doing great things in my life but mostly He has cleared my mind and heart to start to see where I am weak.  What was laughed about and made a joke by all of us on Monday could have easily changed my path of life for the worst.  All because of selfishness and not caring about myself deep down at my core.  I found myself on my knees on Saturday night and soon was flat on my face crying out to God and praising Him for my undeserved favor and mercy.  I have known of His mercy but have taking it for granted all these years because I always chose me before God.  When I wanted to sin I would and it wouldn’t matter how close to Jesus I was when my flesh said jump I said how high.  During this weekend of repentance and conviction, God filled it with a sermon on Love ( His Agape Love).  On my way home from another evening service it hit me.  I was on the phone with a friend and pouring out what was going on.  Let me just take a moment to jump back in time about 9 years ago. A former mentor of mine said he had a dream and if I didn’t change what I was doing I would end up in prison or worse.  At the time, I was not doing anything that I thought was crazy but it did scare me because I had seen the Holy Spirit work through him several times before.  Now back to my phone call with my friend on Sunday.  As we were talking it hit me a reminder of what my mentor said and as I remembered the Holy Spirit began to talk.  He let me know that if I continued, as in one more time, the mercy and favor that I have been covered with would be gone.  If you, Anthony, want to be so stubborn and do not want to take to heart this warning then maybe you will need to learn the hard way!  The fear of the Lord fell upon me as I was sitting in my car and listening to my friend.  I decided at that moment to give Him all of my struggles and blessings an surrendered all of myself to Him.  There is NO good in me(self) except for Christ Jesus.  The conviction was clear and the choice is still mine.  A pastor I listen to weekly said ” We know the truth, but we don’t do the truth.”  That has been me trying to straddle the fence when there is no fence.  I have not been placing God at my core rather I am been serving myself as god.

This same pastor said you can hear the hissing of the serpent every time you use or think of self.  This is a reminder that the evil one will always attack us at our core, our individualism.  My prayer is to follow the schedule I have made and that my prayers and focus will not be about me, but about YOU!  Those same prayers about you will not have a hidden agenda of somehow blessing or involving me and what I want.  My goal is to become a soul investor and hope that you will see Jesus in me.  True healing and recovery come from serving others.  It brings peace and serenity to me when I stop thinking about me.  This will not be easy but it will get done because the Holy Spirit will be my guide and Jesus, through His word, will be my teacher.  This “self” life is entangled in my soul, however Jesus being the surgeon He is has already started to cut away that sin.  The process has started and I just need to act like a grown up about it.  I will pray for those I dislike, the lost and instead of praying for the relationships I am in I will pray for the person’s of those relationships.  I do not want to be a part of any of the outcomes or prayers I am living my path and my life in the hands of Jesus. It starts with me and I will say, with the Lord by my side, ” I REPENT OF SELF!” Amen

One Love, One King, All Christ!